The Diarrhoea Diaries

With a skyline of bright-blue tiled domes and towering minarets, Samarkand is a city that is instantly enchanting and remains one of my favourite stops - not only in Central Asia, but on my entire trip. Once the centre of the silk road, the crossroads between Europe, the Middle-East, India and Europe, the city boasts 2,750 years of history, making it one of the oldest inhabited cities in the world.

Conquered by Alexander the Great in the 3rd century BC, it was then controlled for centuries by the Arabs (who brought Islam to the area and made Samarkand one of the most important Islamic education centres in the world). The city was sacked by Genghis Khan and his Mongol army in 1220, became the centre of Emir Timur's massive empire in the late 1300s, and was put under Russian control in the 1800s.


Despite Samarkand and the holy city of Bukhara being predominantly Tajik, and traditionally holding stronger ties with centres in modern-day Tajikistan, Stalin's nonsensical lines of division of the Central Asian republics while under Soviet rule, meant that these cities were given to Uzbekistan after the fall of the Union. There was protest from the Tajik population both in Samarkand and Bukhara, as well as in neighbouring Tajikistan (who felt that the cities belonged to them, both culturally and historically), but the cities remained a part of the new Republic of Uzbekistan. Today the Tajiks are forced to watch as Uzbekistan's tourism industry flourishes, thanks mainly to the increasing number of visitors (particularly mainland Europeans) to these two cities, while their own already-troubled economy steadily declines.

Timur, the tyrannical Emir whose empire extended from Western China to Egypt in the 14th century, left his stamp on the city more than any other person. He chose Samarkand as his capital and set about building the most grand of monuments and edifices as a showcase of his power. For some thirty years, the Uzbek government has been restoring the huge mosques, mausoleums and medressas (Islamic schools), that had crumbled into disrepair, in order to draw more tourists - and it's working. Uzbekistan is easily the most 'touristy' of the Central Asian republics. That said, it is nothing compared to Europe, or even elsewhere in Aisa, and it's still possible to have an incredible ancient site largely to yourself.


There are two sides to Samarkand: The more modern Russian side, with a more European feel to it, and the ancient Islamic Old City, a UNESCO World Heritage site and over-stocked with incredible historic sites that any European city would be envious of!


The signature domes, covered in glistening blue tiles, adorn the tops of many structures in Samarkand. The massive Bibi-Khanym Mosque (named for Timur's beloved wife), the adjacent Bibi-Khanym Mausoleum and the spectacular Guri-Amir Mausoleum (where Timur himself, and several of his most loyal subjects, advisors and teachers are interred) are three of the most impressive.


The central bazaar, which lies in the shadow of Bibi-Khanym Mosque, is the beating heart of the city. Bustling with people, bursting with colour, it is one of the most vibrant markets I visited in all my travels. The locals are excessively friendly and were always receptive to being photographed. They would gather all their friends who worked around them and eagerly show them the result on the LCD screen amidst 'Oohs', 'Aahs' and embarrassed chuckles.
The products on sale were as varied as the people working there, ranging from sheep's heads, entrails and tongues, to creamy fudge and coconut ice, to the most delicious fresh fruit and vegetables you could ever imagine, In fact, I defy anyone to find a piece of fresh fruit that is as orgasm-inducing as the peaches found in Samarkand Bazaar!


Near the market, surrounded by a huge cemetery (where spooky, life-sized pictures of the dead stare down at you from each headstone), is one of Samarkand's most impressive sites, Shah-I-Zinda. This corridor of imposing mausoleums, intricately patterned in colourful mosaic, dates from the 9th century, and is eerily beautiful.


Uzbekistan's most famous structure takes centre stage in Samarkand. The Registan is a collection of three huge medressas, their facades and minarets towering above three sides of a public square. My view of the Registan was obscured by a stage, grandstand and lighting towers as the site was being prepared to host the 'Rhythms of the East' music festival, an event showcasing music from across the Asian continent which Samarkand plays host to every two years.


Islam Karimov has been the president of Uzbekistan since it became an independent republic in 1991, maintaining his status for nineteen years through a series of rigged elections and illegal extensions of his term. A Samarkand native, Karimov, after visiting his hometown a month before the music festival, deemed it to be unfit to host the event and ordered the city be regentrified in time for opening day. The result was an entire city under construction.... and in a frenzied panic!


Newly-cobbled boulevards were being created to connect tourist attractions. These pristine new avenues were being lined with brand new buildings where soul-less, expensive souvenir shops would be housed, each doomed to fail since as yet, the city simply doesn't attract enough tourists to sustain them. Monuments and buildings were scrubbed clean, repainted or re-tiled. Parks were being completely stripped and re-lawned, and gardens filled with bright new flowers. Streets were being repaved at lightning speed while iron fences, several kilometres long, were being given a new coat of paint.

You may wonder how this work was being carried out? Where did they find enough workers to get the job done in just one month? Well, after asking around, I discovered that most everyone in the city had to lend a hand - no exceptions! It wasn't uncommon to see a group of ten men and women, dressed in shirts and ties or flowery dresses, slapping paint on a fence with little idea as to what they were actually doing. I was told that at one point, in preparation for the president's follow-up inspection, an entire hospital's staff (including doctors and nurses) were ordered to leave their posts in order to scrub the sidewalks clean in front of the building!


I stayed at Bahodir Guesthouse behind the Registan. Bahodir is easily one of the best places in Central Asia for the weary backpacker to chill for a few days, with a beautiful courtyard, massive free breakfasts and $2 dinners (which most guests take part in), as well as the most humble and obliging family on staff, catering to your every need. It was a fun place to hang out, with an eclectic mix of travellers constantly flowing through the doors, eager to exchange stories and indulge in one or two shots of cheap vodka.

One of the most confusing (yet at times exciting) things about traveling in Uzbekistan is dealing with the local currency. It's wise to bring with you all the money you will think you will spend in Uzbekistan (in US dollars) when you enter the country, exchanging it as and when needed (ATMs are extremely rare and extremely unreliable when you do find one!). The Uzbek som is most commonly traded on the black market. What this means is that if I were to trade US dollars at a bank, I would have received 1,320 som for each dollar, but trading on the black market meant that I would receive 1,850 som for each dollar - about 20% more bang for your buck! Now here's the real kicker: The largest banknote available in Uzbekistan is a 1000 som note - roughly US 60c! Changing one crisp $50 note gives you a wad of bills, a couple of centimetres thick! This makes the actual money exchange a heart-racing affair!

Moneychangers are usually found lurking in the shadows at the back of market areas with a large plastic bag. Once you've found one, the next step is to negotiate an exchange rate (you must bargain for everything in Uzbekistan, even entry fees to historic sites are negotiable!), make the exchange and then quickly count the wad of ninety-or-so notes to make sure you're not getting screwed. This is not an easy task when your hands are shaking, you're feeling distinctly like you're in the middle of a major drug-deal - not simply exchanging $50! - and you're eyes are constantly surveying the market on the look-out for police (who are always crooked and will always want a cut of the money to conveniently ignore the illegal activity they have witnessed!).


A Finnish friend, J.P, from the Bahodir accompanied me to the market one day and each of us exchanged US$100, yielding a stack of bills that would've made Uncle scrooge drool. It's an essential souvenir to have your photo taken rolling around in your underwear amongst 100,000 Uzbek som! We decided to go one better by cleaning out the smelly bathtub in the stench-ridden bathroom, combining our 370,000 som and getting photos of ourselves literally bathing in money!